Idk & That’s Ok!
I am in a season of life where I just don’t know. And that’s ok. Kind of. I am feeling completely normal about that and not at all feeling insane. My brain is handling it awesomely and totally accepts that I don’t know anything right now. It’s going great…
Ok, so it’s not going amazing. BUT, it’s not going bad either! I am really proud of myself after losing my job, weirdly enough. If this were to happen to me at any other point in my life, I think I’d be hospitalized. I’m not even joking, like that would be so scary.
Over the past few months, I have started to take better care of my brain through a variety of tools. I already was on a soapbox yelling about how therapy had changed my life (no joke). But now, I am on the soapbox jumping up and down with a megaphone in my hand, wearing a monochromatic high vis outfit. In metaphorical Times Square.
I don’t know what’s next, and that is ok. And I mean it this time. Is it easy for me? No shot. But, it’s more manageable than it would’ve been in the past. I think back to my time during college, when I didn’t know that my undiagnosed OCD was a direct weak spot to guilt used as a motivator while playing a sport. If I could survive that, I can survive anything. I often think of 20 year old Victoria, waking up every single day to the most gut-wrenching anxiety, and thinking that was normal. Spoiler alert: it’s not! But I do find peace in knowing I will never let myself be in a situation where I feel like that ever again.
Moving on. This is about me. Me now at least. I truly think that everything happens for a reason. Am I floundering a bit? Yep. But, I am also learning and that is something that I am excited for. I have never had to go through a job search in my life. My previous position went from intern, to part-time, to full-time, so I didn’t have to deal with the stressful applying, waiting, interviewing, and hearing back process.
Not knowing how that works, while it was a blessing, stresses me out quite a bit. But, I am taking things one day at a time. I have applied for jobs, and the waiting game is not my favorite thing, clearly. I also saw a New York Magazine Ad on Instagram with the caption: “Is it even worth job searching in this market?” UM IDK YOU TELL ME? Is it? This is new to me? I am learning in slow mo. If it’s not, someone please let me know hahaha.
Whatever happens is meant to happen. While I don’t really know what I am doing currently, there are plenty of positives that have come out of this too. I am proud of my mental growth to be able to handle this to the best of my ability. I have had time to reflect on what I want my future to look like going forward. I get to write this blog for fun. I am going to the gym everyday. I have the opportunity to work more stage hand gigs. I am handling a new situation in the only way I know how, and that’s by learning as I go. and THAT’S OK! That’s more than ok, that’s pretty damn cool if you ask me.
I don’t know what’s next, and for the first time in my life, that kind of excites me.
