Puzzle Pieces

Feeling whole again can mean a variety of things. It can come from work, pleasure, people, places, things, magic, yourself. Sometimes, you can reach out and touch it. Others, it might be intangible, the feeling just beyond reach that propels you forward. It can feel like coming home, or going somewhere for the very first time.

A house feeling full when everyone is back home. The growing pains of a new season of life. Belly laughs shared by lovers while the rest of the world is sleeping. A good book that makes it seem like anything is possible. Looking in the mirror and really recognizing yourself. The nostalgic ache of catching up with friends you haven’t seen, but it feels like no time has passed. The ability to drive through your hometown with your eyes closed. The gravity of the one you love grounding you back to Earth, mid-spiral.

For me, I have always felt that to be known is to be loved. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to show up however people needed me. But, I realized that in order to be truly known — by myself and the people I love — I have to show up as fully me. No matter which version I think fits for them.

If I don’t fit in everyone’s puzzle, that’s ok. That’s how you find out where you truly belong. The people that love the real me are who matter. Maybe the most difficult person to figure out in this process has been myself. A year and a half ago, I realized I didn’t really know myself truly. What did I like? What do I do for fun? Do I really enjoy the things I have always said I enjoyed? In order to feel loved, I had to get to know myself first.

It’s funny actually, the first iteration of this blog was written right before my 23rd birthday, roughly a year ago. I stated that, “I feel the most like myself that I have in forever.” If only that version of me knew, that was just the beginning. As I approach 24, I am really proud.

Getting to know myself has gone so much better than I could have ever imagined. It was through this difficult, fun, scary, cathartic, and rewarding process, that I have felt most whole. Solving your own internal jigsaw puzzle shows you that you can fit in places you would have never imagined before.

The best part is, I know that there are still many versions of myself that I will get to know in the future. I also know that the people who love me will love those versions too. At first, stripping away the people pleasing, well-constructed armor made me feel bare, but it also showed me who I really was. And I love her.

I saw this quote on Pinterest yesterday that said, “It’s funny how finding yourself in adulthood is simply getting back to who you were as a child.” and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It made me smile to think that 8 year old Victoria would — not to brag — think 24 year old Victoria is pretty cool.

I feel that I fit exactly into my puzzle how I am meant to, taking up space and being unapologetically myself, and that makes me happy.